But I had to tell you. Because when I keep it to myself it just gets bigger. And louder. And worse.
I promised myself to keep this short today and try for a nap as soon as it’s done. I’m tired, and I certainly hope this article is coherent enough to be helpful to you. And of course I’d love to hear from you. Every comment and suggestion is so healing for me.
You may have noticed that, for a while now, I’ve stopped writing my Full and New Moon posts every month. Turning my life inside out and planning this move has made me revisit a lot of my beliefs and routines. Although I still walk with the Moon, I also feel a big expansion in my approach to auspicious days to be grateful, or to be quiet, or to start something, or to end something. When something is ready to be started, or ended, or appreciated, any day is a good day to embrace the energy. Every day is a good day to be grateful. Every day is a good day to be your best self.
I am exploring this apparent contradiction, which doesn’t feel like a contradiction to me at all. You can help me by letting me know what you’d like me to include in my posts. I’ll take your requests into consideration as I continue to unfold and evolve.
This week’s Full Moon is the second Full Moon this month — what is called a Blue Moon. So if you feel it, take a look back and make note of what happened between the two July Full Moons.
I think it will be about three years before the next Blue Moon month, enjoy it!
Yes, I admit it. This journey of moving home and office has been a bit much for my tender diva please-don’t-ask-me-to-change-anything self. Yesterday I got my second load of donated boxes and packing materials and nearly every square inch of my front room is now filled with boxes.
I’ll keep this down to five things (TBH there’s much more than that to choose from!)
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
I did some surrendering. I welcomed each of these dark thoughts, maybe not with laughter (see the poem), but with softening, and was able to shift some of these and welcome the qualities that support my ease, that allow me to be of service.
So precious you, what do you think? Any other labels I should add to my boxes? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Even though I teach this stuff, and even though I understand it completely in theory, until just recently in this adventure of having to move and finding my new home I didn’t see the disconnect between what I know intellectually and how I was behaving. Which in moments of uncertainty (uh, which were pretty much all of my waking moments) found me behaving like an out-of-control ball of stress and fear. Pretty. Not.
I chose to do what I know how to choose, because of course. There’s some kind of comfort for me in my habitual dark side. Instead of operating from knowing knowing knowing that I’m being guided — fear and stress come way too easily to me. In the process of learning to be a spiritual, brave, of-service woman, I have shed lots of resistance (and clearly have many more layers to go). I learned how to affirm my prayers, to ask to be guided. But in the face of uncertainty, spiritual certainty drops away and I lose my grip on the good. Oh Fear! I know you, I know how to hang out with you. So I choose to ignore/forget any affirmation, which immediately causes me to drop my connection to the Divine, and instead I walk around fanning the flames of my negative scenario of the moment. I have plenty of them!
This time, I tried something new. In addition to saying and singing and painting and praying my affirmation daily, and more than once a day:
My perfect house at my perfect price at the perfect time is already chosen and ready for me now. All I need to do is keep walking in its direction.
In addition, I also started compassionately handling my fear and stress. It would still come in. Of course. But instead of freaking out (I’m not supposed to be fearful any more!), which only makes it bigger, or diving into that old dark and grimy neighborhood — the intersection of Stress and Fear — at the expense of everything (see those bullets above), I would welcome them, give them an imaginary little pat, thank them, and then gently move them out of the way so I could keep moving in the direction of my house.
From the time I started this combined method, it was less than 14 days until I was led to my new house and signed the lease. Just sayin’…
There are some things I don’t like. It’s not perfect.
But hey, I could use the quiet and the beauty after 8.5 years of living in a very gritty edgy and unsafe neighborhood.
The lease was signed last night. I move in six weeks or (gulp!) less. The to-do list is already quite long and growing by the minute. I begin packing next week.
Suggestions anyone? How have you done this big life change in a short timeframe and retained your sanity? Talk to me in the comments. Blessed be.
I’ve been asking for and receiving lots of support as I navigate the changes in my business and the big one — having to move home and office. In addition to my business coach and my Mastermind, I’ve been asking pretty much everyone I know for help.
One response: the wise and wonderful Sharon Rosen suggested I read Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver. Wow. When I think of this book (I’m about halfway through) I visualize a glorious woman in shining armor who has come to my rescue. In lieu of buying each and every one of you a copy (yeah, sorry, can’t — I’ve gifted four copies so far and I’m stopping there for now), I’m going to share what my surrender is looking like.
When you take a look at what is, does your heart open or do you contract? Do you keep going with your commitments (changing what might need to be changed) with ease or do you worry and wonder if you should give up?
If you’re anything like me, when reality doesn’t match what you requested, or what you think you need, you may find yourself in a habitual stress and fear response. I know I do. My fear habits are very strong, so strong that I even forget that I have learned many tools that would be very helpful!
So. My coach helped me craft an affirmation:
My perfect house, at my perfect price, in the perfect time is already chosen and waiting for me now. All I need to do is to keep taking steps in its direction.
And then she brought her own special brand of outrageous. She suggested that I be loving and welcoming to even my most fearful thoughts and worries. Which changes everything. The combination of daily speaking, singing, writing, painting this affirmation makes me less vulnerable to habitual fear binges. Which allows space for me to lovingly see my fears, have compassion for my fears, recognize them for what they are, and move on!
Outrageous not only means bold and flamboyant, which was easy for me to see in this case. It’s beautifully outrageous for me to affirm positive outcomes anyway, in the face of even the hardest challenges. Outrageous also refers to being angry, shocked, and indignant. Which my committee of yammering monkeys most assuredly are. In fact, they are royally pissed off that I dare to stop listening to them at all, even with love! They could give a flying you-know-what about love.
Riffing on the variations of outrageous openness prayers Lissa Rankin came up with, here are some that may help. Make your own version (mine keeps changing as I keep changing!).
I’m now open to receive anyone who can benefit from my teaching. Let all who need me find me. Let me help relieve suffering. The Divine is my complete Source for all prosperity and will provide. My perfect clients are already waiting for me now.
In the right time, in the right way, my offering is available for the good of all, to all who need to be guided to me and to know. Any delays are beneficial; I am always in the right place at the right time. It is already handled.
Wherever I can be a force for Love, please guide me. Take me wherever you wish me to go. Let me do your bidding. I am willing to surrender and I know that my path is already clear.
What lands in your heart? How are you meeting the turn of the year? Do you have an affirmation or two to share? I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Blessed be!
My amazing chiropractor looked me in the eye at the end of my healing session today and told me what she sees: A resourced, competent woman who — now that the buyout agreement is signed — has the time and means to find the next right place to live with ease and with grace. My shoulders sank a bit (instead of being up around my ears), my tight chest opened like a lotus, and I breathed my next breath differently than I had been — for days and days. I remembered that all is already well, and that I can enjoy this journey.
“No matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth.”
― Martha Beck
I’ve been struggling and so stressed as I moved through this journey of first learning that I have to move and then negotiating the buyout with my landlady (in case you’re new to the story, you can read more here, here, here, and here).
Even though I was able to stay outwardly calm, what I’m owning up to today is that I reacted inside. I got more and more fearful and more and more stressed. It showed in my body — recurrence of my digestive symptoms and joint pain. It showed in my inability to sleep well.
The first thing that’s helping to bring me to healing is realizing that I now have a very favorable signed agreement that allows me up to six months to find a beautiful place to live. I am no longer paying rent, which will help me with moving expenses, and the sooner I find a place, the more I will receive as a buyout. This is very good! All I need to do is to finally sever the cords that are holding me in fear and resentment that this is happening at all.
I am grateful to remember what is true, and to invite love, even here, even now, even when things are uncertain.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.”
— Brene Brown
My version of running away from what is keeps me stuck in resentment and disappointment. So stuck, I forget to breathe. So stuck I forget to use the powerful tools I have learned (and that I teach!) that allow me to remember that there is room for love in any situation. So frickin’ stuck I forget that I am wrapped in the love and safety of the Divine. I forget to be grateful!
So, right here and right now I own this. I own this moment in my story. I own it radically, knowing that even if I didn’t get this really wonderful agreement signed I’d still be okay, just fine, good to go. It’s my story, these changes — like all changes — are gifts full of opportunities for me to be my best self. I am standing tall (and breathing! and grateful!) in my story just as it is.
I am grateful because I remember that I am loved and held and safe and that there is much fun to be had as I write this next chapter of my life.
Everyone is flailing through this life without an owner’s manual, with whatever modicum of grace and good humor we can manage.”
— Anne Lamott
I know that I do have an owner’s manual now, a beautiful one that contains all the wonderful teachings I have been lucky to learn along the way. What keeps me flailing is that I keep forgetting I have this manual! When I get scared enough, or stressed enough, I seem to forget everything good and hold on tight instead to my agonies. Well, today I have stopped flailing and have returned to my sovereign self. I have remembered what is true and released for the moment those thoughts that will (no joke) kill me if I let them.
I am grateful to feel ease and relaxation and openness as I take the next steps on this journey.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
I for one am very grateful for this energy, as I have plenty and more plenty to do in the coming months. Yes, I did not do my usual Full Moon post this time; please forgive me!
(If you’re in a hurry you can skip directly to my “Housing Wanted” listing further down the page by clicking here. Warning fair (as the emcee sings in “Cabaret”: If you do, you’ll miss out on some really good stuff!)
My daughter Rose (the photographer of the images here) spent the night Saturday so we could get up early and do some tidepooling at Fitzgerald Preserve (there are always very low tides around the Solstices). I woke up even earlier than I planned, inspired to put together some supplies for a ritual in the Cypresses just up the hill from the beach.
I raided my stashes of magical supplies. I painted rocks and feathers red and gold. I cut some red and gold cords, and pulled red and gold strands of Mardi Gras beads. Six of everything.
(I even dressed in red and gold as you can see in the photo.)
Rose and I split the stash and each walked alone “Solstice bombing” the grove, stating our prayers, wishes, requests, and intentions with each item we left behind. We placed rocks on the ground and feathers in the tree bark. We tied cords to tree trunks and wove the beads around fence posts and bench slats.
With everything I placed, I asked for help. I asked to be led to my next beautiful home. I asked for clarity. I asked for ease. I asked to be released from fear and struggle.
And now I get to ask you!
Right? Think about it. Everything you do when you have a conscious contact with Source goes better than when you don’t.
As it says in the Kabbala: “Beside every blade of grass is an angel saying “Grow, grow, grow.”
What’s your experience like with asking for help? I’d love to know; please leave a comment below.
Here’s the text of the listing that I am will be linking to as I post my “Housing Wanted” everywhere. At least it’s the listing as I know it to be so far. Ideas keep coming to me, and I certainly don’t want to leave anything out! I will be updating here as things change. Here we go:
I am a positive, healthy, responsible, loving, and heart-centered business coach and branding/web designer looking for my next amazing live/work situation and I think you might be able to help me find it! Please take 5 minutes to read through my post and share with me any ideas, leads, suggestions and referrals that come up for you. And of course pass this on if you know of someone who might have an opening or know of one!
Some of these are must-haves, some are nice-to-haves; a good combination will light me up and have me signing a rental agreement as fast as possible!
I don’t know what combination of features will combine to create the home I choose. What I do know is that I can have what I want even if I don’t know what it all looks like.
This place I rent — where I’ve lived and worked for over eight years — is being sold by my landlady to her family. I am negotiating a timeline and buyout with her right now; it looks like I have the rest of this year to move but the terms of the buyout make it better for me to leave as quickly as I can. I’m looking now and will be ready to move by August 31, 2015.
Now that you know what I’m looking for, do any leads, suggestions, or referrals come up for you? Please get in touch and I will follow up! (510) 698-6245. Or even better: email. And send pictures if you can!
The biggest gift I’ve received in dealing with this latest unexpected and uninvited change: finding out that acting from my heart opens up the space for me to be just as joyful and positive as I am when things are going the way I’d like.
I’ve learned how to make the act of selling my services sacred in my business — by standing in humility and leading from love. I can apply the same principles now — I can negotiate from the heart — when faced with having to leave the place I’ve lived and worked for over eight years. This week, it was time for me to put a counterproposal together as a response to my landlord’s first offer. Here are some of the things I learned and practiced that allowed me to step away from fear and stress and stand tall in love and faith as I crafted, edited, finalized, and sent the proposal.
I even set it up like a contract and electronically signed my portion! Way to set a positive intention!
I prayed, I blessed the email, I blessed myself and I let it go.
Then (nothing but honesty here, no matter how embarrassing), I found myself expecting to hear my landlord screaming (she lives in screaming distance of my place) “Are you nuts? What makes you think I would agree….? You know how these monkeys do their thing, so skillful!
Every time I caught myself hanging out in this misery — which is really inviting a negative outcome — I would put my hands over my heart, breathe deeply, and step back into trust.
I got a reply from her this morning. She said:
I am a bit distracted today [her niece is in labor with her first child]. I confirm receipt of your offer and will work with you to achieve an acceptable conclusion of our agreement. I need a couple of days to think this out…will be back with you on this early next week. Again, I am happy and proud that we have come this far toward reaching an agreement and am certain we can move forward…just need a little time.
No screaming. No “Are you crazy?” Or “How dare you!”
Not only is negative projection not worth it, I believe from my own personal experience that the more positive and loving you are, the more you can rock any kind of change. Flip side? — the more you hang out in negativity, the darker will be your experience all the way through your journey.
Look — I still don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if more negotiation is going to have to happen. What happens next doesn’t matter, because I know what to do in any circumstance. Woot!
Are you finding it hard to figure out what to do, and in what order? I get it. I so get it!
First, stop, get grounded, and connect with your heart and with the Divine, however that manifests for you. Then have a look at my coaching program. Drop me a line (firstname.lastname@example.org), and we’ll get on the phone, and see if I can help. I am here to support you.