I am a temple of accumulated error.
Sometimes the fierce optimism falls apart. Sometimes the heartfelt commitments just don’t happen. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things go awry.
I’m there. I’m right there. I’m not immune, you’re not immune. Sometime that precarious hold you have on seeing things in the best possible light just fails.
What a powerful opportunity!
I mean that, I really do. This knowledge is a blessing: No matter how difficult things get (and hooboy they have been difficult lately!) my baseline understanding that self-compassion, self-tenderness, and self-mercy are available saves my ass from giving up. All I need to do is to remember.
I guess I’ve been coasting, until recently. Moving forward in seeking healing for my chronic illness. Moving forward in my work for my clients. Moving forward working with, and supporting and being supported by smart, passionate, mission-driven women in business who set the “yes, this is how you can show up” bar for me every day. Making firm commitments to myself and to my loved ones.
I’ve cut myself a lot of slack, when I’ve broken promises to myself because I’ve been sick. My once-a-week social dancing commitment still appears in my calendar, but I’ve only had the ability to go out once in the last six months. Just too tired. Another example: My occasional commitment to work at night or on the weekend has often not happened, again, wiped out.
And I’ve learned how to forgive myself for mistakes.
But the moment can come when self-forgiveness, self-compassion and self-mercy can feel completely inaccessible.
For me, this last week held that moment. I made a big mistake in my business. And I had a very hard time coming to forgiving, compassionate and merciful peace with that. And moving on.
And then, yesterday, despite having bought a pretty dress and gotten a killer mani/pedi (dark purple with a shimmer), I was too sick to attend my beloved friend’s wedding.
I realized that I had gone around putting out the flames in my own temple, because I felt I didn’t deserve the love. The disappointment and guilt can be so overwhelming. I was lucky to find a guided meditation from one of my teachers about this very thing, and it has helped. And I’ve been very gentle and tender with myself, as I’ve been riding the waves of guilt and disappointment.
Here’s what I know. I am so much more comfortable pushing myself into action than I am with surrender. I have a boatload of beliefs about what surrender means (lazy slug, for one, and the others are no prettier). I have felt very susceptible to the coulda/woulda/shoulda’s.
The work can begin anew right now, with this breath, in this now moment. I am relighting all the lamps in my temple. And
if when I falter again, I can start anew yet another time. Whatever it is, whatever commitment you have not been able to keep, whatever mistake you might have made, the opportunity is there in every single now moment, and the next, to start again, to recommit, the repair the mistake.
What do you do, cherished one, to heal yourself, to remember and find again the self-compassion, self-tenderness, and self-mercy that the Divine is always offering you, even when you’ve made a big mistake, or failed to complete a commitment? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
I embrace with open heart and 100% love every single one of you beautiful temples of accumulated error and celebrate that we can and do love each other on this journey.
- I am grateful to be a nominee for Jodi Chapman’s award. If what you read on my blog has moved you, if my words have resonated in your heart, please add your nomination for me by clicking on this link or on the image.
- I am grateful for laughter (see my Buddha friend above).
- I am grateful for laughing through today’s Mah Jongg game, and even more grateful that I won three out of six. Yes, I’m that superficial.
- I am grateful that it’s beautiful, sunny, autumnal.
- I am grateful for deep rest.
- I am grateful for accepting (even if it doesn’t come naturally, I can get there!) myself, my humanness, with love.
- I am grateful for my beautiful clients, colleagues and tribe, who share their truth from authenticity and vulnerability, and teach me so much!
- I am grateful to be alive.