If you’ve been following along, you may remember that I never planned to live past 30. Hahaha it’s absolutely ridiculous to remember how committed I was to die young, hip, and a kinda-sorta outlaw.
Oy.
Now look at me. I’m old. I’m scheduled to turn 70 this year (which takes a bit(!) of getting used to.
[Read more…]I’m developing eyes for divine neutrality (aka grace, or acceptance, or It don’t make no never mind) in the face of challenges.
I’m not a divine neutrality black belt. I can’t embody grace on demand. I’ve tried to meditate and give and gratitude-list my way to peace of mind for years.
[Read more…]Recently — like two weeks ago — I checked my weight for the first time in decades.
My refusal to step on a scale is one of an grab-bag of behaviors I developed so I’d feel better about myself — I was convinced I was too big. These little habits of mine carried a lot of weight, including the stupid idea that if I didn’t know the actual number, I’d be happier.
I was wrong. (Duh.) Turns out, this “I don’t do scales” was a habitual reaction designed to keep me feeling bad about myself. Who knew?
[Read more…](Solar return, aka birthday, one more turn around the Sun)
This is different; I don’t usually hear a calling. Maybe I have in the past, but I didn’t have the ability to understand what I was hearing enough to actually get off my ass and get started on the thing.
What comes after hearing a calling? Acting on it, with love, self-compassion, commitment, and gusto! Gulp. Here we go.
Hey there, beautiful human. How are you dancing today through your busy, messy, sometimes easy, sometimes baffling, and sometimes just really hard life? Are you meeting yourself where you’re at, or are you agonizing over circumstances that you find just too hard to accept? Like chronic pain, for example? [Read more…]
(You can read the full text of “In Blackwater Woods” here, I’ve excerpted the second half of the poem — the half that speaks to me as I move through this change — in the image.)
I’m still unpacking, and today is the first day I’ve actually done some work that’s not move-related in a couple of weeks. I’ve been in my new for-now home for the last four days. And while there was a ton of culling and releasing during the pack-and-prepare weeks, I didn’t get the full wallop, the full extent of letting go, until move day arrived last Monday.
With the unexpected recurrence of appendicitis, and a couple of days in the hospital, and iffy health since, it’s been an act of faith to be buying sundresses and sunscreen, and getting my hair cut short, and otherwise prepping for my flight this coming Sunday morning. Setting some powerful intentions around here!
Accept the invitation: embrace your own mysteries and dive deeply into what may have been simmering in your heart, in your dark interior. Here in my part of the world (northern California), we’ve planted our seeds, and the light is lengthening and warming. But we don’t know yet exactly what will come up from the seeds we’ve sown. We don’t know yet what we will reap.
I can guarantee photos, although I may be drawing more than taking pix — my colored pencils are my new passion (just have to figure out how many I can bring!). If I have any good photos, I’ll share, and put them on Pinterest, or Facebook, or Instagram.
Wishing you a joyous Full Moon. Let me know what lands for you. Let’s talk in the comments.
Blessed be!
I’ve been yearning to return to Hawai’i. I’ve been there exactly twice in my life, and each time I felt like I was visiting one of my heart’s homes — a feeling that permanently resonates in my heart. You know what I mean? Those places where you feel like you’ve already lived, where you feel like you belong, where you feel like you could thrive. Hawai’i is like that for me. Provence as well. And always and forever Brooklyn. But I digress…
I’ve traveled almost not at all since I got so sick last year. And wasn’t really planning to do anything any time soon in the way of travel besides local road trips, for health reasons as well as financial reasons.
And then my friend — I’ll call him Walter because it’s his name — surprised me with an amazing gift. Walter goes to Hawai’i to golf eight times a year and has a timeshare plan where he gets a condo each time he goes. I asked him once, after meeting up with him on the Big Island last time I visited, if he ever had a guest room in his timeshares. He said “Yes!”
In order to accept a week on Kaua’i I knew I would have to ask Walter some questions that made me very uncomfortable. Questions about expectations, and questions about sleeping arrangements. A very big part of my monkey mind would have been much more comfortable, thank you, if I just said “No, thanks,” and moved on. The conversations Walter and I had in response to my questions were amazing!
Check this out: Walter told me that he had begun to wonder how he could share this bounty with others. Right about that time, I asked him if I could stay with him. Amazing how the universe works sometimes. Seren-freaking-dipity! Would never have happened if I hadn’t asked. Would never have happened if Walter hadn’t already decided to open things up.
In order to be a “Yes!” to the offer, I would have to look at my fear about my health and my finances. Do I have the bandwidth to fly, to pack and schlep luggage, to step out of my comfort zone, to figure out things like “What do I do with my phone and rental car key when I’m snorkeling?”
I’ve been a solo traveler a lot in my life, and I’ve learned how to lower the bar. I have nothing to prove to anyone. As I learned long ago from Jen Louden, I can set “conditions of enoughness” and meet myself exactly where I’m at. I can rest as much as I want, walk as much as I want, snorkel as much as I want (I will figure out what to do with the phone and car keys!), and then rest some more.
I said “Yes!” I fly to Kaua’i on May 3rd.
What comes up for you when you read this? I’d love to hear your thoughts; jump into the conversation in the comments section below. And if you have a foolproof way to snorkel solo and protect your possessions, for the love of the Goddess, tell me!
There’s a whole lot of Old Testament stuff connected to these two terms (exodus and eisodus), including some that I have a lot of trouble with — cultural appropriation, genocide, and more. But as with many spiritual teachings, when I can be still, and receptive, the goodness, the universal teachings, rise to the top. That’s what I’m sharing with you today — the good stuff, the good questions, from my heart to yours.
I heard a talk from one of my spiritual teachers during the holidays, and he shared a concept I had never heard before — eisodus. What landed and resonated for me is the idea that, in any moment, you are either headed away from something or you are headed toward something. I felt that distinction viscerally. I felt it as two questions: Where is your heart headed? And how will you get there?
When you are in exodus, when you are headed away, you are motivated by fear in one way or another. It could be in reaction to something that someone said, or something that happened. You could be trying to find a place, or situation, where you feel safe. You could be sure that Anywhere But Here would be more comfortable than your present circumstances (kinda like the Geographic Cure that’s talked about in 12-step recovery).
When you are moving in eisodus, you are moving toward, you are connected to faith, to your heart. You are finding direction and taking actions consistent with your intentions. You are present to what is, in deep acceptance. You are connected to the Divine (however that manifests for you: God, Goddess, nature, spirit) and cloaked in the courage and safety that connection gives you.
Take some time this week with these questions. You can do some journal writing, and of course, you are invited to share what comes up for you in the comments.
When I can reconnect to gratitude, in this now moment, no matter what, I’m in a better place. Grounded, connected to the Divine, in acceptance. This allows me to see with love everything that is on my plate in this moment. Car accidents, chronic illness, the financial state of my business… all of it, yo.
I’d love to hear how this lands for you. I know, it’s a unusual set of concepts for me to discuss, but I’ve been feeling them in a deep way since I heard them, and I thought you might find this useful. Please do share what you think in the comments.