The weight of trying to fix yourself.

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I stepped on a scale. Voluntarily.

Recently — like two weeks ago — I checked my weight for the first time in decades.

My refusal to step on a scale is one of an grab-bag of behaviors I developed so I’d feel better about myself — I was convinced I was too big. These little habits of mine carried a lot of weight, including the stupid idea that if I didn’t know the actual number, I’d be happier.

I was wrong. (Duh.) Turns out, this “I don’t do scales” was a habitual reaction designed to keep me feeling bad about myself. Who knew?

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Answering the calling

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Here comes my solar return

(Solar return, aka birthday, one more turn around the Sun)

And here I am, answering a clear, defined, and strong inner calling.

This is different; I don’t usually hear a calling. Maybe I have in the past, but I didn’t have the ability to understand what I was hearing enough to actually get off my ass and get started on the thing.

What comes after hearing a calling? Acting on it, with love, self-compassion, commitment, and gusto! Gulp. Here we go.

It feels like I’m standing on a precipice, and luckily it’s more exciting than scary.

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Do some conditions and circumstances carry more weight than others?

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Some circumstances carry more weight than others.

Or at least we think they do.

Hey there, beautiful human. How are you dancing today through your busy, messy, sometimes easy, sometimes baffling, and sometimes just really hard life? Are you meeting yourself where you’re at, or are you agonizing over circumstances that you find just too hard to accept? Like chronic pain, for example? [Read more…]

Downsizing, right-sizing, letting go

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I may not have much in the way of my own words for you today, my love.

Let’s start with some words of Mary Oliver’s, words that have held me up during this move, and then we’ll see where we go from there.

(You can read the full text of “In Blackwater Woods” here, I’ve excerpted the second half of the poem — the half that speaks to me as I move through this change — in the image.)

The downsizing just doesn’t seem to have an end. Not yet anyway.

I’m still unpacking, and today is the first day I’ve actually done some work that’s not move-related in a couple of weeks. I’ve been in my new for-now home for the last four days. And while there was a ton of culling and releasing during the pack-and-prepare weeks, I didn’t get the full wallop, the full extent of letting go, until move day arrived last Monday.

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How does the Scorpio Full Moon call to you?

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I’m getting ready for my week away…

…guided by the intensified inspiration of the Scorpio Full Moon

How does the Scorpio Full Moon call to you?

It’s time for a break. And I am so grateful that it looks like I get to take one.

With the unexpected recurrence of appendicitis, and a couple of days in the hospital, and iffy health since, it’s been an act of faith to be buying sundresses and sunscreen, and getting my hair cut short, and otherwise prepping for my flight this coming Sunday morning. Setting some powerful intentions around here!

Full Moon in Scorpio

Sunday, May 3rd
13º23′ Scorpio
8:42 pm Pacific
11:42 pm Eastern

Scorpio Full Moons invite us into the mysteries in often unexpected ways.

Accept the invitation: embrace your own mysteries and dive deeply into what may have been simmering in your heart, in your dark interior. Here in my part of the world (northern California), we’ve planted our seeds, and the light is lengthening and warming. But we don’t know yet exactly what will come up from the seeds we’ve sown. We don’t know yet what we will reap.

  • What will success look like in your business?
  • What does your heart crave and how can you give it to yourself?
  • What can you do to nurture your own wild, dark, intense, majestic self?

I’ll be away next week — no blog, no newsletter.

I can guarantee photos, although I may be drawing more than taking pix — my colored pencils are my new passion (just have to figure out how many I can bring!). If I have any good photos, I’ll share, and put them on Pinterest, or Facebook, or Instagram.

Wishing you a joyous Full Moon. Let me know what lands for you. Let’s talk in the comments.

Blessed be!

Open to receive. Say “Yes!”

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Are you open to receive? Are you a “Yes!” to unexpected gifts and invitations?

Open to receive. Say "Yes!"

Yes, that’s a picture of Kaua’i, and I’ll tell you why.

I’ve been yearning to return to Hawai’i. I’ve been there exactly twice in my life, and each time I felt like I was visiting one of my heart’s homes — a feeling that permanently resonates in my heart. You know what I mean? Those places where you feel like you’ve already lived, where you feel like you belong, where you feel like you could thrive. Hawai’i is like that for me. Provence as well. And always and forever Brooklyn. But I digress…

I’ve traveled almost not at all since I got so sick last year. And wasn’t really planning to do anything any time soon in the way of travel besides local road trips, for health reasons as well as financial reasons.

And then my friend — I’ll call him Walter because it’s his name — surprised me with an amazing gift. Walter goes to Hawai’i to golf eight times a year and has a timeshare plan where he gets a condo each time he goes. I asked him once, after meeting up with him on the Big Island last time I visited, if he ever had a guest room in his timeshares. He said “Yes!”

It was interesting to watch my reaction. It was hard to accept the gift.

  • In order to accept a week on Kaua’i I knew I would have to ask Walter some questions that made me very uncomfortable. Questions about expectations, and questions about sleeping arrangements. A very big part of my monkey mind would have been much more comfortable, thank you, if I just said “No, thanks,” and moved on. The conversations Walter and I had in response to my questions were amazing!

    Check this out: Walter told me that he had begun to wonder how he could share this bounty with others. Right about that time, I asked him if I could stay with him. Amazing how the universe works sometimes. Seren-freaking-dipity! Would never have happened if I hadn’t asked. Would never have happened if Walter hadn’t already decided to open things up.

  • In order to be a “Yes!” to the offer, I would have to look at my fear about my health and my finances. Do I have the bandwidth to fly, to pack and schlep luggage, to step out of my comfort zone, to figure out things like “What do I do with my phone and rental car key when I’m snorkeling?”

    I’ve been a solo traveler a lot in my life, and I’ve learned how to lower the bar. I have nothing to prove to anyone. As I learned long ago from Jen Louden, I can set “conditions of enoughness” and meet myself exactly where I’m at. I can rest as much as I want, walk as much as I want, snorkel as much as I want (I will figure out what to do with the phone and car keys!), and then rest some more.

  • I had to get past some other crazy ego resistances to get to “Yes.” Like “not glamorous enough,” “not a long enough trip.” Ugh, sometimes I just amaze myself.

I said “Yes!” I fly to Kaua’i on May 3rd.

Are you open to receive?

What do you need to do, or change, to get to “Yes!”?

  • When you are asked to contribute a blogpost, or be interviewed for a podcast about your business — something that may help you grow your business — is it easy for you to accommodate the request? What gets in the way?
  • That enthusiasm that arises when you say “Yes!” to something you like? Allow yourself to connect to that feeling so you can be a “Yes” to something you don’t like. “Yes” to a difficult client. “Yes” to the pain in your body. “Yes” to your negative thoughts. “Yes” to the positive ones!
  • See if this works for you: Say “Yes” as a way to escape your own self-obsession and enjoy the relief that comes when you think of someone else for a while.

What comes up for you when you read this? I’d love to hear your thoughts; jump into the conversation in the comments section below. And if you have a foolproof way to snorkel solo and protect your possessions, for the love of the Goddess, tell me!

Eisodus or exodus? Where is your heart headed?

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Eisodus or exodus?

Eisodus or exodus?
A little disclaimer, first

There’s a whole lot of Old Testament stuff connected to these two terms (exodus and eisodus), including some that I have a lot of trouble with — cultural appropriation, genocide, and more. But as with many spiritual teachings, when I can be still, and receptive, the goodness, the universal teachings, rise to the top. That’s what I’m sharing with you today — the good stuff, the good questions, from my heart to yours.

Eisodus and exodus

I heard a talk from one of my spiritual teachers during the holidays, and he shared a concept I had never heard before — eisodus. What landed and resonated for me is the idea that, in any moment, you are either headed away from something or you are headed toward something. I felt that distinction viscerally. I felt it as two questions: Where is your heart headed? And how will you get there?

When you are in exodus, when you are headed away, you are motivated by fear in one way or another. It could be in reaction to something that someone said, or something that happened. You could be trying to find a place, or situation, where you feel safe. You could be sure that Anywhere But Here would be more comfortable than your present circumstances (kinda like the Geographic Cure that’s talked about in 12-step recovery).

When you are moving in eisodus, you are moving toward, you are connected to faith, to your heart. You are finding direction and taking actions consistent with your intentions. You are present to what is, in deep acceptance. You are connected to the Divine (however that manifests for you: God, Goddess, nature, spirit) and cloaked in the courage and safety that connection gives you.

This distinction — eisodus or exodus? — raised some loving and powerful questions.

Take some time this week with these questions. You can do some journal writing, and of course, you are invited to share what comes up for you in the comments.

  • How do you deal with unexpected upsets? How do you get past reaction and reconnect with your sacred intentions?
    In your business, this could be loss of revenue, or a client deciding to complete their work with you. Or a computer failure, or your website going down. In your beautiful life, this could be a relationship that you see is not working for you. Or it could be illness. Or you could get in a bad car accident! What works for you to move you from reaction to intention?
  • How do you soothe your tender heart when you are upset? How do you release the impulse to defend and soften into acceptance?
    In business, and in your life, when you’re upset, do you notice impatience? Do you snap at others? Or yell and scream? (If you don’t yell and scream, you probably didn’t grow up in a rageful household, lucky you!) What do you do to connect to Divine compassion and forgiveness, for yourself first, and for others?
  • When you are tempted to kick it all to the curb and leave, how do you re-ground, and re-center, and connect to your breath, to your courage?
    In your business, especially when you’re just beginning or in a revenue ebb, it can feel just too hard, and too scary. Same with your relationships, and your health and self-care. How do you make friends with what is?

The answer to all three of these questions, for me, starts with gratitude. Because of course.

When I can reconnect to gratitude, in this now moment, no matter what, I’m in a better place. Grounded, connected to the Divine, in acceptance. This allows me to see with love everything that is on my plate in this moment. Car accidents, chronic illness, the financial state of my business… all of it, yo.

I’d love to hear how this lands for you. I know, it’s a unusual set of concepts for me to discuss, but I’ve been feeling them in a deep way since I heard them, and I thought you might find this useful. Please do share what you think in the comments.

New beginnings — guess I needed a swift kick in the rear

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On the next-to-last day of the year, I was rear-ended. Hard.

Rear-ended, new beginnings

It was varying degrees of awful, and it could have been much worse.

My job is to rest my body and my tender heart this weekend, so what I’m going to do is share with you what I posted on Facebook on the night that this happened.

Here we go.

It’s time to connect to my gratitude. ‘Cause if I can’t I’m stuck feeling like a victim, and feeling sorry for myself, and feeling scared.

After taking a beloved friend to lunch, and giving her some cash because she’s in financial straits, I went to the grocery store, and as I left, I got rear-ended — hard. My car may be totaled. I’m sore.

  • So I tenderly say to my victim thoughts: No, honey, it’s not linear. You’re not being punished, nor does your generosity to your friend exempt you from life happening, from shit happening. Life surely happened today. The woman behind me wasn’t looking and drove right into the back of my car. With gusto.
  • And I lovingly say to my self-pitying thoughts: It could have been so much worse. You could be in the hospital, or dead. Your car could have hit one of the people in the crosswalk for whom you had stopped. You made it safely to the side of the road, you are insured, and you’re driving a 2015 fancy-ass Impala while the fate of your old Camry is being processed.
  • And to my fear thoughts, I say: Oh sweetie, you’re okay. You’re safe. You’re fed. You’re loved. Just keep breathing. Even if the insurance company totals the car, you’ll be okay; you’ll get the transportation you need. And, yes, darling, why not watch just one more episode of The Wire before bed? (My self-soothing may seem really weird, but it works for me!!)

I got such incredible love and lessons from my tribe on Facebook! Like….

  • A rear-ender means a good kick up the backside to get you moving in life… Where are you stuck and and needing to move? It is opportunities to grow further… Look to 2015 as extra special New Beginnings… Have a fantastic journey this year and keep moving forward…
  • Having this end 2014 is better than, say, starting off 2015 with this incident. This is annoying, but not tragic and though you may know that intellectually, it’s always good to review it. On the plus side, things can only go up right?
  • Way to stand plunk in the middle of compassionate power and say, well, wow, a day in the life…

I am so happy to have gotten to acceptance and gratitude in such a short time.

It was all in the same day, yo. It was about four hours.

That’s the whole game, isn’t it? Life happens. Life happens in wildly unexpected ways (and from directions you can’t even see), right?

It all comes down to this: When can you let go of resentment, and fear, and self-pity, and get to gratitude? What do you choose to do about it? All of it? What do you choose to think? What do you choose to say? What do you choose to do?

I got the kick in the rear I must have needed, kicked me right into the new beginning of a new day, and a new year (and maybe a newer used car!).

How are you choosing to accept what life has offered you today? What new beginnings (sought or not) are you facing? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Love and so much gratitude for you!

Dealing with what is — the wisdom that comes from endurance

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“When the waves close over me, I dive down to fish for pearls.” — Masha Kaleko

I’m beginning to think that wisdom is the result of finding out what you can endure.

I’ve endured a lot in my life, I’ve grown, I’ve tasted a bit of wisdom and a whole lot of acceptance.

And then this year happened. Talk about endurance.

Critical illness. Hospitalizations. Surrendering to what is, letting go of my business, accepting what I was given. The s-l-o-o-o-o-w recovery. Getting back into life.

thistooshallpass

I’ve been through some tough stuff before, and I probably will again, right?

And I’ve noticed that the big crises, and the little ones, and all the ones in between, have much in common.

When I can move through each of these tough moments in life, and see them as the healing opportunities they are, I can let go of seeing what’s happening as loss and something to fear, and start seeing each moment as a gift. Yes, it’s possible.

“Sometimes I go around pitying myself while all the time I am carried by the wind across the sky.” — Traditional Ojibwe

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