I’m humbled—mortified—by the ongoing lessons my ego provides me.
And I’m feeling freed today from some of the self-imposed binds around my heart and mind that trap me in old responses—needy and desperate.
After happy harmonious hours with my witchsters yesterday I melted down again in pathetic ego response to what was certainly more loving and kind than I could hear. I had no ontological chops to choose my thoughts or responses. And I train others—and they pay me!—in these practices. I allowed myself to draw everyone present into my sick thinking. And received the kind of attention that nearly suffocated me.
After finally realizing what I was doing to myself and my group, after copious tears, I apologized and withdrew my ridiculous tantrum.
Hours later after downtime and reflection, I had powerful stomach cramps and a wild experience of enormous purging. And then, in bed, this image.
My path of positive intention and joy is like walking on an unstable lava field. When I indulge the slightest pull of my ego’s chat (never intended to help matters, trust me), I fall through the lava, get trapped, get cut up, get burned. And take others with me.
My only choice—my only choice—is to walk lightly. And to consciously stay away from my ample and abundant negative responses to fricking everything! Neutral to positive is the only zone I can trust and the only place I can afford to stand. Anything below neutral—anything the least bit negative and self-obsessed—is going to harm me and my relationships and my opportunities for joyful moments in this life.
What am I waiting for? I can’t even allow myself the dubious luxury of thinking it’s too late that I’m too old. This thinking is the kind of thinking I’m describing above—the thinking that holds me in my own special hell. As I ask my coaching clients: And how’s that working for you?
I get this moment. I get to make of it what I can and will. And if I’m lucky, I get the next moment too.
We must choose something to which to dedicate ourselves in my tradition. And I think that the only thing that makes sense is for me to dedicate myself to joy. My own first, and then what I can spark in others.
Okay, phew. Blessings blessings blessings.