I’m grateful. Yes I am. I’m grateful for showing up for life, for my vision, for change. Even when my efforts are spectacular failures (at least apparently).
Tried to change the game with a loved one and it fell really really flat. I feel idiotic for trying, for landing up in our old (lifelong) control struggles. You can’t be the boss of me. Well, you can’t be the boss of me either!
I feel so much sadness. So much loss. My dad, who now has lost about half of his language. Meaning that about half the time he can be understood and the other half of the time his words come out unintelligible. And he knows it. Poor dad; I can see the frustration and pain in his eyes when his words don’t come out right and then he just waves his hand and gives up. Of course this is just another stop on the road of indignities. First mobility. Then continence. Now this.
And he’s lost appetite. No surprise, I guess. And then there are the really freaky moments, like when he picked up his soda can and poured it into his full plate instead of into his glass. Without seeming to notice anything out of the ordinary. God bless him.
Prayer and meditation. Gotta reach into my toolbag and pull out the tools that keep me in the knowing that I am not alone. That I am in a place that’s healthy and safe and where I can be of service. That there is love aplenty, time aplenty, money aplenty. That I’m in the flow of abundance and love that makes up every atom and cell of this beautiful universe. I am so grateful to know this. I am blessed and life is abundantly good. I insist on reminding myself of that, on good days and on the ones where I wake up curled up into a ball of loss. And so it is.