Started this post at 2ish in the morning when I couldn’t sleep after being bitten all over my hands and face by mosquitos. Took my iPhone to bed with me and tried to post gratitudes, but the iPhone and the WP interface are not a match made in heaven. Lost everything I wrote. Grrrr.
Read emails, posted to FB, thought about sex, thought about sex some more. Missed killing the mosquito when it came back for more of me. Finally remembered I had citronella oil and anointed my head and hands with it and was able to get back to sleep. (Stinky. Effective.) A little bit unbalanced way to start the week. I like sleeping through the night. Just sayin’…
I am so grateful for my life. I don’t even know how long since I’ve posted here—too long. And here I am so full of gratitude!
I’m grateful for this woman, this incredible goddess, who has shown up in my life with love—open-hearted, juicy, caring, hot love. She shows up after I was convinced that my chances for love were over—that there was no one interested in/attracted to what I bring, what I am, what I have. That I am too broken, done too much damage. I thought it was done, pau (Hawai’ian for finished—pronounced *pow*). I am so amazed that I can be well and fully met and that I have so much more of myself to give, so much more presence, than I have ever had before.
I am a new woman in intimacy. Yesterday when I was upset about something I communicated the upset. Without sarcasm. The two old ways would have been 1) to repeat the word that upset me, dripping with sarcasm, or 2) to show up, stare straight ahead, with clenched jaw, and wait for her to read my mind (getting madder and madder as seconds tick by). No; I did something I’ve never done before. I initiated a phone conversation early, before meeting her f-t-f, and we talked about it. When we met a few hours later, I had no sarcasm, no resentment, no anger, hurt, or otherwise self-obsessed attitude going on and I was able to well and fully meet her in love. Words don’t do this justice. I have never been this way before in intimate relationship. I’m ecstatic about this.
I know that over the last few years I have been developing this new way in my relationship with my daughter, which has changed drastically. And with my sister. With clients. With friends. With mentors. And look! I have a toolbox now that I use with some skill. It’s not as scary challenging as it was and the payoff is frickin’ huge! Just sayin’…
I’m grateful for the things I’m learning from Leila. In the kitchen. I made ghee this weekend! I’m learning how to curry veggies. I’m about to decant my second batch of kombucha and make a third. New and exciting. I cooked okra for the first time yesterday!
I’m grateful grateful grateful. And I say my intention that this week I am showing up with a full heart and open mind and that the right and perfect clients will appear with the right and perfect contracts and that my financial outlook is getting healthier and more abundant all the time. I trust that in this perfect universe my needs are met, are already met and that I have nothing to fear. I am free, competent, valued and available to do the work I love and receive the abundant bounty of the universe. I am so grateful to know this. I release this word to the perfection of spirit and I let go of the results. Blessed be.