I stand in humble gratitude for this morning. Waking up, reaching for my lover (who was not in my bed). Smiling at the remembering that I’ll be seeing her very soon.
I am grateful for how I’m showing up in my life. For this woman that I am today. Maybe not capable and competent in love, in relatedness. For sure still bumbling around. But oh so different!
I am no longer stuck in painful old beliefs about what is possible for me. I am no longer compelled to act from blame and resignation. I am no longer cynical. Okay, wait. I can phrase that more accurately. I am no longer trapped in my cynicism. I have a way out. Many ways. I am willing to use my words. *My* words, even the uncomfortable ones. To dig for truth and express it.
I am no longer living my mother’s legacy of bitter silence. Of clearly transmitting — in my own head — what I need and want. And then, when you don’t get my radio signals (without my having spoken a word, of course), I ooze the venom of disappointment and loathing out of my eyes and mouth whenever I look at you. Pretty, huh? Doesn’t matter. I have survived it and have transformed/am transforming into something so much better simply by the fact that I am willing to be different, even if I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. {Long sentence, but a good one; think I’ll read it again. Yeah, it’ll do.}
I am also no longer living my father’s legacy of rage. Even this last week, when I totally lost it, once with my sister and once with Leila, I saw the rage quickly and was able to get myself in hand. I didn’t go down the slide, didn’t pull out the napalm. Didn’t bring up every transgression from the past and hurl it at my target in a challenge. I am still prone to wildly inappropriate reactions, I see that. The transformation here is my commitment to be the woman I know I can be 24/7. Even if… Even if…
Circumstances have no power over me. People and personalities have no power over me. I am whole. I am complete. I am blessed. And. So. It. Is. ***Yes!***
I am grateful to be walking side-by-side with my sister through this next phase of dad’s life. Oh so hard.
I am grateful for gratitude practice. For being a woman happy to write what’s working, what’s not.
I am grateful for this quiet time. I am grateful for god. For goddess. For spirit. For love.
