Home. From the inside out.

There’s no place like Home.

The journey Home. The journey to my new Home. Starting from the inside out.

I’m feeling a bit like a tired Dorothy, and I think a sequin or two may have been scuffed off my sparkly red shoes as I move through this journey.

I’ve had moments, precious moments, of feeling that loving hand on my back, guiding me forward. And I’ve had moments of thinking my head was going to explode from stress. And a lot of back and forth with all of that.

Lucky for me it’s not my first rodeo, and lucky for me I have a pretty strong appreciation for what keeps me safe and sane as I move through life and everything that comes my way. Including having to find a new home.

Putting my business on the back burner which feels awful. Except for a few livestreams each week, and a very small time on social media, my focus, my bandwidth, all I’ve got has gone (is still going!) to this search. And thank you for hanging in with me. I spoke to a client today and apologized for slowing down the pace of her rebrand. She was incredibly gracious.

The funny thing?

The funny thing is that I’m doing my best work. It seems like whatever layers of pretense and anything else that gets in the way of my intuition and compassion are gone now. So hey, if you have a transition or two that you’d like to walk through like a badass queen, schedule a no-strings session with me. Whether or not we work together now or later or never, I promise you, you’ll get a ton of useful resources, ideas, and strength from our hour looking at what’s up for you together.

There's no place like homeI finally broke down and made a spreadsheet this morning because I reached the point where I can no longer remember the who, what, where of all these possible places to live in my head.

Home. For me Home includes places for my habits.

My habits and my tools. My kombucha supplies. My art supplies. My knitting stuff. My collection of small mermaid statues and sculptures.

Fiona Apple put it perfectly: “Home is where my habits have a habitat.”

I have looked at places starting at — I swear — 250 sq ft. I think my current closet is almost that size. I’ve been thinking I may have to give away/sell everything. And I still might!

The ache for home...The safe placeThe ache for Home.

I appreciate rootedness. I know that my tender nervous system does best when I have a sense of being planted. Of knowing where my things are. Of being able to find and use my cherished tools without (please Goddess) having to root through bins in a storage unit. Besides, paying rent for a big box to hold my things feels wildly inappropriate and out of balance and unsustainable to me.

But I also know how to thrive where I’m planted, and I know that as long as I’m breathing I have the capacity to put down roots, again and again.

I am approaching a tipping point when it comes to decision time.

I freaking hope I am! I need to know what’s going with me and what must be released so I can get packed. At this writing, I’m choosing between three wildly different scenarios:

  • a 350–450 sq foot inlaw unit, with some degree of kitchen/bathroom share in a good neighborhood that I would like to live in (I passed on the 1984 Toyota camper for $875 a month parked in someone’s backyard)
  • a 600 sq foot one bedroom in a not-so-great neighborhood a bit more remote than I like
  • sharing a big house with a young woman 35 miles from here — a house with features that I like (hardwood, gas stove) and plenty of space; and I did say 35 miles from here, inland, right?

Home is where my habits have a habitat.The journey Home.

Sharing this snapshot of where I am right at this moment, in this breath, is incomplete, I know. Trust me when I tell you it’s pretty much all I’ve been doing, looking, freaking out, calming myself, trying to remember to eat (I have never been this thin, but I am not trying to not eat, I’m just distraught). Worrying, writing. Stressing, meditating. Walking, thinking, trying to sleep.

Home starts from the inside. When I can feel my heart, when I can take a full breath, I am at home. 

Although I know this to be true, I know that it’s also huge to have a physical Home.

When I think about embracing minimalism, going through all my stuff and having a big “Pay from the heart, take what you need, and help me pay for my move” sale, and winnowing winnowing winnowing, I think of landing up somewhere tiny with a small table and a cracked beautiful bowl on the center of its otherwise empty surface.

Because I have loved this story ever since I heard it. Goes something like this:

The student is freaking out, afraid of what his teacher the monk will say when the student reveals that the monk’s favorite bowl has broken. Finally summoning the courage to confess, the student is amazed that the monk responds by saying “Thank you!” The monk goes on: “Thank you for breaking my cup, now I can stop worrying about how sad I’ll be when it does eventually break.”

So. That.

Tell me, tell me about your transitions, how you move through. What gives you a sense of home when home is uncertain.

Let’s talk in the comments. Even if I’m slower than usual to reply, reply I will!

Blessings, love, hugs, gratitude!

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I’m a barely tamed hippie, sage, seasoned, sarcastic (not all the time any more, but still). I’m a mom, a daughter, sister, a neighbor, and a friend. I’ve been on this meandering journey — like you, probably — seeking a better connection to and experience of peace, harmony, and fun in every bit of life. I’m single, quite good at it, and mostly love it. I’m here for the conversations I get to have with you, which these days center on exploring the mystery and beauty of life, work, health, aging, and creative expression. Want to know a little more about me and my journey? Explore the site. Read the blog. Connect with me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and LinkedIn.

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  1. I was looking forward to your next post, Sue just so I could see how you are doing! You might recall that I went through a fairly significant move myself late last summer when I moved from Maui to Oregon. I tried home-hunting online and through an agent but quickly found out that wasn’t going to work so I got on the plane with no home to go to, and spent the next 3 weeks driving from one end of Oregon to the other looking at rentals, and yes, there was a time I actually considered a 250 sq ft apartment just to have a place to call home for me and my little dog even for just awhile. You know I’m not a spiritual person by nature, but I truly believe my angel (I’ve named him Ben) was with me because I ended up finding my dream home and I am confident you will to. As stressful as all of this is, you are growing and learning new things, and yes, doing your best work in the process. 🙂

    • Wow, It’s never been like this. I am so sorry to be late in replying. I spent the last three weeks doing much of the same. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It helped as I was searching and searching and searching. I now have a place to move to which is such a relief. Would be a little more relieved if it wasn’t going to be under construction for a couple of months while I’m in it, but hey, I found a place!

  2. Sue I was hoping when i came here that i was going to read you have found your solution and maybe you have by the time you read this. My sense is maybe inland sounds like you , then wooden floors are always on my dream list and space- i think you do not want to be boxed in. Waiting to discover where you land xxxx

    • I have stopped looking and so I have found my solution for now. I think by the time the (literal) dust has settled, I’ll be really happy. First I gotta get moved, then I gotta move through the time during which it’s under construction, and then!! It’s in a lovely spot, and I’m so relieved!!

  3. Maybe this will help. Home is where the most important thing is. It’s deciding what is the most important thing in your life and then seeing if any of your options provide it. If not keep looking. All the other important things are secondary. Sometimes we have this list of must haves and it makes a decision harder because we want all of them. What’s the one thing in your home that you must have?

    • Joyce that’s right and it does help. I have let go of some musts. In fact, I’m letting go of many “musts” these days, because I’m even contemplating leaving the Bay Area next year if my fortunes don’t change for the better. This transition has awakened me to just how expensive it is to live here!

      Thanks for helping me reframe. Painful and liberating all at once.

  4. “Home is where my habits are like my kombucha supplies” hugged my heart because I grow my own Kombucha for tea too and know how difficult moving them and the supplies are but remember, we take our habits with us no matter where we go. This is a time of big change world wide. Your timely blog will help others roll with the punches.

  5. Thanks, Kathleen. I was inspired by a conversation I had with a woman who has run her tech business from her 22′ RV for the last four years, and she brews kombucha bungee’d to the counter as she goes.

    I may not be able to take my proximity to the ocean and redwoods with me if my next move takes me inland, but I think I can manage the kombucha brewing (as long as I don’t have to live in my car!).

    Who knows? The amount of surrender-and-surrender-some-more that I’ve been doing has been huge!

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