I learned a long time ago that I can’t save my ass and my face at the same time
So even though I would rather not reveal just how much I am capable of screwing up, and just how deeply I can dive into my anxiety and my chattering monkey mind, here goes….
Saving my ass by telling the truth.
I slept about one-and-a-half hours last night.
- I couldn’t stop thinking about the growing list of differences between me and my soon-to-be housemate. Thinking. Obsessing. Spinning. To the point that I was lying awake miserable about my certainty that I should never have signed this lease, and I was in for a miserable year.
- I also couldn’t stop thinking that what started out as a feeling of community was turning into something else. Because I thought my housemate had negotiated something without telling me, I concluded that now she is showing her true colors and it’s everyone for herself.
- I tried to relax, to ground myself in love, but I just couldn’t. That question: “Is there room for love, even here?” rang hollow in my upset, self-pitying heart.
Not pretty. I know.
But I had to tell you. Because when I keep it to myself it just gets bigger. And louder. And worse.
What helped me restore myself (for now, anyway; I’m taking nothing for granted!)
- I reached out to my sister. Lucky for me she’s in Israel, so at 2:30am here, I could get her on Skype and it was noon-thirty for her. She was loving and level-headed and didn’t judge me; certainly not as much as I judge me (and if she was horrified, she successfully kept it to herself).
- I got on video call with my housemate this morning and revealed my anxiety. It was difficult, but very healing.
- And I have let up on my tender self! Moving is hard hard hard! Thirteen boxes are packed, my house is already echoing, I have a month to go and probably another hundred boxes to pack. This shit is not for the faint of heart, and my heart went into a collapsed swoon last night.
I promised myself to keep this short today and try for a nap as soon as it’s done. I’m tired, and I certainly hope this article is coherent enough to be helpful to you. And of course I’d love to hear from you. Every comment and suggestion is so healing for me.
One more thing
Aquarius Full Moon on Friday at 3:43 am Pacific
You may have noticed that, for a while now, I’ve stopped writing my Full and New Moon posts every month. Turning my life inside out and planning this move has made me revisit a lot of my beliefs and routines. Although I still walk with the Moon, I also feel a big expansion in my approach to auspicious days to be grateful, or to be quiet, or to start something, or to end something. When something is ready to be started, or ended, or appreciated, any day is a good day to embrace the energy. Every day is a good day to be grateful. Every day is a good day to be your best self.
I am exploring this apparent contradiction, which doesn’t feel like a contradiction to me at all. You can help me by letting me know what you’d like me to include in my posts. I’ll take your requests into consideration as I continue to unfold and evolve.
This week’s Full Moon is the second Full Moon this month — what is called a Blue Moon. So if you feel it, take a look back and make note of what happened between the two July Full Moons.
- What changes have you made?
- What transitions have you weathered?
- What audacious risks have you taken?
I think it will be about three years before the next Blue Moon month, enjoy it!
I’m glad you could reach out to your sister. Talking to someone helps.
Linda, It was really helpful to get her on Skype in the middle of my dark dark night. Thanks!
Love and light,
Sue
Sue sending you a big hug across the waves. I do understand as we moved after nearly 11 years in one place and where you are moving to looks wonderful. See it as an adventure. I have just painted and written myself a new story was a very freeing experience as I was getting stuck in the negatives too.
love Suzie xx
Hey Suzie, thanks. I mostly do see it as an adventure, but I am flawed and sometimes I just can’t (won’t?) show up for myself and for what is in my sovereignty. Far from it. I am human!
I don’t think I will ever be 100% consistent with this stuff; the good news is that I live and learn and have healed enough that I don’t get stuck in the shit. Hooray for that!
Love and gratitude,
Sue
Moving? Big
Moving home AND office? Huge
Moving in with anyone after years and years living solo? Holy F&$%ing s*^t!!
You are amazing, you are conscious, you are real, you can do this!
Sharon, thanks so much, for the mirroring and for wrapping it in love.
Reminds me of those MasterCard ads:
Totally losing her shit in fear and anxiety: Priceless!
xoxox
Sue
Exactly!
Sue, I have been MIA for quite a while. Your title had me rolling on the floor, although isn’t it the truth!?!
I applaud you for putting on those big girl pants, then putting it out there for the world to see. And moving is very, very difficult. Good luck with all of that.
I’m in hiding mode. Hubby had a stroke, we have no health insurance (tried but made too much for the free stuff and way to little to pay for subsidized insurance), so I am struggling through that. Any pride I had is out the window. And then there are the ramifications of a stroke.
There are things I am grateful for, certainly. He is alive, he is making amazing progress, he is home, (ok, grateful for that but boy does he need to work on the difference between asking for help and behaving like a royal PIA).
Fear and anxiety have taken over my life. Ick.
Andrea, welcome back; so glad to hear from you, so glad you poked your head out of hiding to connect today.
I’m sending you much love and the energy that allows for spacious self-compassion and forgiveness as you move through this.
Happy to provide a laugh; it’s so healing!
Blessed be.
Sue
How uniquely made and yet so similar!!! <3
I *feel* your process.
You have a very graceful approach…so Cool!!!
Keep hangin' in there!
(((Sue)))
x0x0x
All is well, all is as it should be~
Welcome here, Mari, and thank you for the support!
Love and magic,
Sue
What powerful self-caring steps you took! Moving and a roommate. Big, big stuff! Sending you lots of love and solidarity. You have amazing women by your side at all hours of the day and night. xo
Melissa, thanks.
I’ll add this radical self-care step: I’m taking this weekend off from packing. I will read and laze about. Hopefully have date #3 with my new friend (although she’s pretty busy, so we’ll see).
Thanks for the love and solidarity!
In gratitude,
Sue
I love LOVE your image and quote Sue! Well Sista, it’s been years since I last had a roommate (other than my dog) and I swore that whatever it took I’d never do it again – and that includes another husband. SO I hand it to you for managing to handle it all. I sincerely hope it all works out for you Sue because of anybody I know you deserve to enjoy some serenity in your life!
Marquita, yup. I was in that place too (never again). And now look where life has taken me. Interesting how that works.
I love your wishes for me, and will gladly accept them. At the same time, I believe we all deserve all the serenity in the world!
Blessings!
Sue
Awesome you for revealing your vulnerability to your roommate. Equally awesome that it worked out. I’m most often in favour of sharing vulnerability because it connects.
Shulamit, yes, yes, and yes! But sometimes the fear just gets in the way of remembering that truth. Glad I was able to go to that vulnerable place anyway, despite the yammering in my head.
Blessed be.
Sue
Wonderful blog Sue, I must check you out lol. Your blog post title really resonated the whole way through reading, that image is great too xx
Kate, welcome here, so glad to connect. Feel free to look around and check me out. Ask me anything!
Glad you like the image too, it was fun finding it, and once I did — well it was the clear winner!
Love and light,
Sue
hi Sue,
This has been quite the intense Moon cycle – full moon – new moon – and now full moon again. July 1 is my birthday and I was born on a full moon, so the Capricorn full moon brought up all sorts of things. I’m very grateful for the healing and learning I received and am celebrating that!
Good for you speaking your concerns to your sister and your new housemate. Moving indeed is one of the biggest stressors we can have. Every blessing on your move and on your new living arrangements!
Love, Sara
Sara, happy belated birthday to you! And thank you so much for the blessings — keeping them and sending them right back at’cha. Love how that works!
xoxox
Sue
Hi Sue, I love that you had that video call with your housemate. Stepping right in there at the point of anxiety and facing it clearly–what a great gift to both you and your housemate. I hope it all works out for you both.
Also, this: “I learned a long time ago that I can’t save my ass and my face at the same time” made my day 🙂
Thank you!
Dave, welcome here! And yup, we have some of the best sayings in the 12-step rooms. Feel free to spread that one around; it’s a goodie!
Love and gratitude,
Sue
So glad to hear that you are letting up on your tender self, and allowed yourself that nap! Big moves like this are challenging and it’s easy to slip away from what we truly know. So good that you could write about it, because in that act it seems there was a releasing. Love and light to you in your transition!
Sarah, welcome, so glad to connect. You’re right, the releasing and gentleness with my tender self has been so healing. I’m at the tail end of a no-packing-at-all restorative weekend and am very grateful and ready to rock this move!
Love and light,
Sue
I’ve been there and I’m so glad you didn’t bottle it up inside!! Thank you for your authenticity!
Tabitha, welcome here, and thanks for the lovely comment.
Blessings,
Sue
Hi Sue! Love the elephant image! Nice! Appreciated your ability to share your moving experience (pun intended!:))in such a real way. I wish you well with everything!~Stacey
Hey Stacey, glad you liked the image; I had fun creating it.
Thanks for the good wishes.
Love and magic,
Sue