I learned a long time ago that I can’t save my ass and my face at the same time
So even though I would rather not reveal just how much I am capable of screwing up, and just how deeply I can dive into my anxiety and my chattering monkey mind, here goes….
Saving my ass by telling the truth.
I slept about one-and-a-half hours last night.
- I couldn’t stop thinking about the growing list of differences between me and my soon-to-be housemate. Thinking. Obsessing. Spinning. To the point that I was lying awake miserable about my certainty that I should never have signed this lease, and I was in for a miserable year.
- I also couldn’t stop thinking that what started out as a feeling of community was turning into something else. Because I thought my housemate had negotiated something without telling me, I concluded that now she is showing her true colors and it’s everyone for herself.
- I tried to relax, to ground myself in love, but I just couldn’t. That question: “Is there room for love, even here?” rang hollow in my upset, self-pitying heart.
Not pretty. I know.
But I had to tell you. Because when I keep it to myself it just gets bigger. And louder. And worse.
What helped me restore myself (for now, anyway; I’m taking nothing for granted!)
- I reached out to my sister. Lucky for me she’s in Israel, so at 2:30am here, I could get her on Skype and it was noon-thirty for her. She was loving and level-headed and didn’t judge me; certainly not as much as I judge me (and if she was horrified, she successfully kept it to herself).
- I got on video call with my housemate this morning and revealed my anxiety. It was difficult, but very healing.
- And I have let up on my tender self! Moving is hard hard hard! Thirteen boxes are packed, my house is already echoing, I have a month to go and probably another hundred boxes to pack. This shit is not for the faint of heart, and my heart went into a collapsed swoon last night.
I promised myself to keep this short today and try for a nap as soon as it’s done. I’m tired, and I certainly hope this article is coherent enough to be helpful to you. And of course I’d love to hear from you. Every comment and suggestion is so healing for me.
One more thing
Aquarius Full Moon on Friday at 3:43 am Pacific
You may have noticed that, for a while now, I’ve stopped writing my Full and New Moon posts every month. Turning my life inside out and planning this move has made me revisit a lot of my beliefs and routines. Although I still walk with the Moon, I also feel a big expansion in my approach to auspicious days to be grateful, or to be quiet, or to start something, or to end something. When something is ready to be started, or ended, or appreciated, any day is a good day to embrace the energy. Every day is a good day to be grateful. Every day is a good day to be your best self.
I am exploring this apparent contradiction, which doesn’t feel like a contradiction to me at all. You can help me by letting me know what you’d like me to include in my posts. I’ll take your requests into consideration as I continue to unfold and evolve.
This week’s Full Moon is the second Full Moon this month — what is called a Blue Moon. So if you feel it, take a look back and make note of what happened between the two July Full Moons.
- What changes have you made?
- What transitions have you weathered?
- What audacious risks have you taken?
I think it will be about three years before the next Blue Moon month, enjoy it!