Saving my ass by telling the truth

I learned a long time ago that I can’t save my ass and my face at the same time

So even though I would rather not reveal just how much I am capable of screwing up, and just how deeply I can dive into my anxiety and my chattering monkey mind, here goes….

Saving my ass

Saving my ass by telling the truth.

I slept about one-and-a-half hours last night.

  • I couldn’t stop thinking about the growing list of differences between me and my soon-to-be housemate. Thinking. Obsessing. Spinning. To the point that I was lying awake miserable about my certainty that I should never have signed this lease, and I was in for a miserable year.
  • I also couldn’t stop thinking that what started out as a feeling of community was turning into something else. Because I thought my housemate had negotiated something without telling me, I concluded that now she is showing her true colors and it’s everyone for herself.
  • I tried to relax, to ground myself in love, but I  just couldn’t. That question: “Is there room for love, even here?” rang hollow in my upset, self-pitying heart.

Not pretty. I know.

But I had to tell you. Because when I keep it to myself it just gets bigger. And louder. And worse.

What helped me restore myself (for now, anyway; I’m taking nothing for granted!)

  • I reached out to my sister. Lucky for me she’s in Israel, so at 2:30am here, I could get her on Skype and it was noon-thirty for her. She was loving and level-headed and didn’t judge me; certainly not as much as I judge me (and if she was horrified, she successfully kept it to herself).
  • I got on video call with my housemate this morning and revealed my anxiety. It was difficult, but very healing.
  • And I have let up on my tender self! Moving is hard hard hard! Thirteen boxes are packed, my house is already echoing, I have a month to go and probably another hundred boxes to pack. This shit is not for the faint of heart, and my heart went into a collapsed swoon last night.

I promised myself to keep this short today and try for a nap as soon as it’s done. I’m tired, and I certainly hope this article is coherent enough to be helpful to you. And of course I’d love to hear from you. Every comment and suggestion is so healing for me.

One more thing

Aquarius Full Moon on Friday at 3:43 am Pacific

You may have noticed that, for a while now, I’ve stopped writing my Full and New Moon posts every month. Turning my life inside out and planning this move has made me revisit a lot of my beliefs and routines. Although I still walk with the Moon, I also feel a big expansion in my approach to auspicious days to be grateful, or to be quiet, or to start something, or to end something. When something is ready to be started, or ended, or appreciated, any day is a good day to embrace the energy. Every day is a good day to be grateful. Every day is a good day to be your best self.

I am exploring this apparent contradiction, which doesn’t feel like a contradiction to me at all. You can help me by letting me know what you’d like me to include in my posts. I’ll take your requests into consideration as I continue to unfold and evolve.

This week’s Full Moon is the second Full Moon this month — what is called a Blue Moon. So if you feel it, take a look back and make note of what happened between the two July Full Moons.

  • What changes have you made?
  • What transitions have you weathered?
  • What audacious risks have you taken?

I think it will be about three years before the next Blue Moon month, enjoy it!

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Sue

I’m a barely tamed hippie, sage, seasoned, sarcastic (not all the time any more, but still). I’m a mom, a daughter, sister, a neighbor, and a friend. I’ve been on this meandering journey — like you, probably — seeking a better connection to and experience of peace, harmony, and fun in every bit of life. I’m single, quite good at it, and mostly love it. I’m here for the conversations I get to have with you, which these days center on exploring the mystery and beauty of life, work, health, aging, and creative expression. Want to know a little more about me and my journey? Explore the site. Read the blog. Connect with me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and LinkedIn.

Lively conversation!

    • Sue says

      Linda, It was really helpful to get her on Skype in the middle of my dark dark night. Thanks!

      Love and light,
      Sue

  1. Suzie Cheel says

    Sue sending you a big hug across the waves. I do understand as we moved after nearly 11 years in one place and where you are moving to looks wonderful. See it as an adventure. I have just painted and written myself a new story was a very freeing experience as I was getting stuck in the negatives too.
    love Suzie xx

    • Sue says

      Hey Suzie, thanks. I mostly do see it as an adventure, but I am flawed and sometimes I just can’t (won’t?) show up for myself and for what is in my sovereignty. Far from it. I am human!

      I don’t think I will ever be 100% consistent with this stuff; the good news is that I live and learn and have healed enough that I don’t get stuck in the shit. Hooray for that!

      Love and gratitude,
      Sue

  2. Sharon Rosen says

    Moving? Big
    Moving home AND office? Huge
    Moving in with anyone after years and years living solo? Holy F&$%ing s*^t!!

    You are amazing, you are conscious, you are real, you can do this!

  3. Andrea says

    Sue, I have been MIA for quite a while. Your title had me rolling on the floor, although isn’t it the truth!?!

    I applaud you for putting on those big girl pants, then putting it out there for the world to see. And moving is very, very difficult. Good luck with all of that.

    I’m in hiding mode. Hubby had a stroke, we have no health insurance (tried but made too much for the free stuff and way to little to pay for subsidized insurance), so I am struggling through that. Any pride I had is out the window. And then there are the ramifications of a stroke.

    There are things I am grateful for, certainly. He is alive, he is making amazing progress, he is home, (ok, grateful for that but boy does he need to work on the difference between asking for help and behaving like a royal PIA).

    Fear and anxiety have taken over my life. Ick.

    • Sue says

      Andrea, welcome back; so glad to hear from you, so glad you poked your head out of hiding to connect today.

      I’m sending you much love and the energy that allows for spacious self-compassion and forgiveness as you move through this.

      Happy to provide a laugh; it’s so healing!

      Blessed be.
      Sue

  4. Mari says

    How uniquely made and yet so similar!!! <3
    I *feel* your process.
    You have a very graceful approach…so Cool!!!
    Keep hangin' in there!
    (((Sue)))
    x0x0x
    All is well, all is as it should be~

  5. Melissa Rapoport says

    What powerful self-caring steps you took! Moving and a roommate. Big, big stuff! Sending you lots of love and solidarity. You have amazing women by your side at all hours of the day and night. xo

    • Sue says

      Melissa, thanks.

      I’ll add this radical self-care step: I’m taking this weekend off from packing. I will read and laze about. Hopefully have date #3 with my new friend (although she’s pretty busy, so we’ll see).

      Thanks for the love and solidarity!

      In gratitude,
      Sue

  6. Marquita Herald says

    I love LOVE your image and quote Sue! Well Sista, it’s been years since I last had a roommate (other than my dog) and I swore that whatever it took I’d never do it again – and that includes another husband. SO I hand it to you for managing to handle it all. I sincerely hope it all works out for you Sue because of anybody I know you deserve to enjoy some serenity in your life!

    • Sue says

      Marquita, yup. I was in that place too (never again). And now look where life has taken me. Interesting how that works.

      I love your wishes for me, and will gladly accept them. At the same time, I believe we all deserve all the serenity in the world!

      Blessings!
      Sue

    • Sue says

      Shulamit, yes, yes, and yes! But sometimes the fear just gets in the way of remembering that truth. Glad I was able to go to that vulnerable place anyway, despite the yammering in my head.

      Blessed be.
      Sue

    • Sue says

      Kate, welcome here, so glad to connect. Feel free to look around and check me out. Ask me anything!

      Glad you like the image too, it was fun finding it, and once I did — well it was the clear winner!

      Love and light,
      Sue

  7. Sara Corry says

    hi Sue,
    This has been quite the intense Moon cycle – full moon – new moon – and now full moon again. July 1 is my birthday and I was born on a full moon, so the Capricorn full moon brought up all sorts of things. I’m very grateful for the healing and learning I received and am celebrating that!

    Good for you speaking your concerns to your sister and your new housemate. Moving indeed is one of the biggest stressors we can have. Every blessing on your move and on your new living arrangements!

    Love, Sara

    • Sue says

      Sara, happy belated birthday to you! And thank you so much for the blessings — keeping them and sending them right back at’cha. Love how that works!

      xoxox
      Sue

  8. Dave says

    Hi Sue, I love that you had that video call with your housemate. Stepping right in there at the point of anxiety and facing it clearly–what a great gift to both you and your housemate. I hope it all works out for you both.

    Also, this: “I learned a long time ago that I can’t save my ass and my face at the same time” made my day 🙂
    Thank you!

    • Sue says

      Dave, welcome here! And yup, we have some of the best sayings in the 12-step rooms. Feel free to spread that one around; it’s a goodie!

      Love and gratitude,
      Sue

  9. Sarah Grace says

    So glad to hear that you are letting up on your tender self, and allowed yourself that nap! Big moves like this are challenging and it’s easy to slip away from what we truly know. So good that you could write about it, because in that act it seems there was a releasing. Love and light to you in your transition!

    • Sue says

      Sarah, welcome, so glad to connect. You’re right, the releasing and gentleness with my tender self has been so healing. I’m at the tail end of a no-packing-at-all restorative weekend and am very grateful and ready to rock this move!

      Love and light,
      Sue

  10. Stacey Toupin says

    Hi Sue! Love the elephant image! Nice! Appreciated your ability to share your moving experience (pun intended!:))in such a real way. I wish you well with everything!~Stacey

    • Sue says

      Hey Stacey, glad you liked the image; I had fun creating it.

      Thanks for the good wishes.

      Love and magic,
      Sue

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