Learning to heal, a deep dive into a healing journey
I have watched myself on this healing journey.
I watched myself resist what was happening. How could this be happening to me? (Oy, I have such inflated ideas about myself, superhero solopreneur, single woman who lives alone and takes care of herself!)
In the five days between hospitalizations, as I got sicker and sicker, I finally began to shed the layers of denial and resistance. And when the moment arrived when I needed to get back into the hospital, I allowed a friend to come and take me.
No matter what I think —what I like to think — about my self-care, my strength, my health, I had to get humble, the sooner the better. Humility and acceptance allow me to surrender to the moment, as it is. That’s where the healing can really begin.
Such hubris! To think that I would never have a ruptured appendix. Or that I was somehow above sepsis and c diff.
Now that I’m home again, I’ve been asking for help. And accepting it! Hard to do, worth every challenging moment.
Look, I was raised as a do-it-yourselfer. In a mindset of get what you can, you’re on your own. Surrendering to this asking and accepting stuff is something I’m having to learn as I go. Can you relate?
- First of course, I asked my VA for some help communicating with people and postponing appointments. Some day I
willmay tell you about my VA, who sent an email explaining why she isn’t available because her husband is running for his life from someone who wants to murder him. A touch of the absurd (not for them of course, just in my scheme of things).
- Then I allowed for a huge change to happen. I asked my daughter to help me. She’s 27, and until now, I had always had the strong-one role in our relationship. Now I had no choice. I have been loved, helped, cleaned for, taken to the bayshore and the movies, by my patient, loving and sadly very worried beautiful child.
- My sister and brother-in-law have been on call as much as they can be, and we have the level of relationship where truth prevails.
- I have a neighbor, just a touch older than my daughter, who has been helping take amazing care of me.
It’s tough, yes, to ask, but every time I do, miracles occur. When I can put down the supershero, I-can-do-it-myself! cape that feels much more like a lead apron than a light cloak, and be human, and ask for help, from a place of gratitude, I have every single thing I need.
I have much more to say, but please bear with me as I get back slowly into my work of staying connected with you. I am very very grateful for every word of love and care you have sent my way, and I am so glad to reconnect.
Please let me know about your journey with healing, acceptance, and asking for — and accepting — help. Leave a comment, let’s talk! I’ve missed you!